Courtesy of the fabulous, and astute DIANE GORDON, who writes a newsletter about TV
called THE SURF REPORT.
She has been keeping a careful eye on Hollywood fashion over the years, and is considered a leading expert by those "In the Know"...Read on, and you'll see why.
"Let's get to the Fashion Rundown!
The women we'd look like if we could afford the stylist (and the trainer and the lipo):
Keira Knightley - so so so gorgeous in a white strapless Valentino gown and huge Cartier earrings, with a small white Tod's clutch. The young and contemporary belle of this ball.
Sandra Oh - very floaty and pretty in a pale Collette Dinnigan gown (it was either pale pale pink or white), H . Stern and Stephen Webster jewels. She was radiant - even before she won! She was with her pregnant sister and she looked happy which was nice to see.
Evangeline Lilly - another winner of the gene pool contest, she was lovely in an unusual bright green Elie Saab gown and eye-catching huge emerald earrings. Even tho it made her look a tad preggers around the middle, it was still an outstandingly beautiful color in a sea of black and pastel.
Maria Bello - too much fake tan but understandable since she wore a white Elie Saab gown which quickly made me forget the tan issue; the gown had gorgeous pleating on the lower part of the dress, beading up top. Bello looked quite bella indeed.
Renee Zellweger - rallied back to her true fashion form in a clasically sexy, Old Hollywood glamour black Carolina Herrera gown with a serious slit up the leg. Her jewels were by Van Cleef & Arpels. Best of all, she was thin but not sickly-looking. She looked cool and elegant.
Felicity Huffman - radiant in a white empire-waist Marchesa gown and jewels by Martin Katz. Her dress also made her look a little preggers but it was the empire waist, not a bun in the oven. And honestly, she and her husband, William H. Macy were the cutest couple on the carpet. They're so totally in love, it makes me sigh every time I see them interviewed together.
Marcia Cross - looking like the cool cat she always is in a coral Marc Bouwer gown, I'm not sure if I like the jeweled buckles at the shoulders or that particular shade of coral on her but she's a human hanger and she wears clothes very well. I also like that she keeps it simple and elegant when she goes formal so you notice the woman, not just the dress.
Michele Williams - in her first big public appearance with Heath since the birth of baby Matilda, pretty in a purple strapless tiered, pleated Givenchy gown. I just loved the color of the dress. She really stood out from all the others.
Eva Longoria - turning heads in a fiery red Bob Mackie gown, her gorgeous star drop earrings were H. Stern jewels. Her too long hair is so obviously fake - it was the only thing I didn't like about her look. But she's a stunning little gal.
Nicolette Sheridan - going ultra-classy in a royal blue Giorgio Armani gown that fit perfectly and was, dare I say, Grace Kelly-ish on her. Harry Winston jewels. Arm candy: her ex-boyfriend Michael Bolton
Diane Kruger - I totally didn't recognize her but then she was ID'd in a picture I saw today. She wore a burgundy wine velvet gown by Lanvin that was elegant but not overdone. Really lovely.
Charlize Theron - back to blonde and making men stare in a sheer black cocktail dress by John Galliano for Dior Haute Couture. I believe her jewelry was also by Dior.
Catherine Deneuve - wore a Lanvin gown and reminded us of what aging gracefully looks like
Kyra Sedgwick - sweet and lovely in a strapless chocolate brown dress by Bottega Veneta
Jessica Alba - polished and sexy in Versace; wore her hair loose but not wild, she was stunning and looked like a movie star.
Jaime Pressly - cool, calm and collected in a glowy golden gown by Escada with sedate hair and makeup. She's a pretty girl who turned herself into a gorgeous woman with this ensemble.
Penelope Cruz - pale pink gown (no designer listed), loose hair.
Jane Seymour - literally pretty in pink, she was positively glowing
Candice Bergen - classy and coolly blonde in her black Michael Kors ensemble
Pretty but didn't knock it outta the park:
Sarah Jessica Parker - the black Rochas strapless gown was lovely and so were the Fred Leighton jewels, but the dark hair in the Bride of Frankenstein hairdo completely ruined any charm she had going.
Reese Witherspoon - back to blonde and working a vintage silver and white Chanel Haute Couture cocktail dress with Chanel jewelry. The dress was unusual and at first, I didn't like it but the more I looked at it, the prettier it looked. I still have mixed feelings about it.
Laura Linney - in a lovely red Valentino gown. I don't know why I didn't love this dress on her but something about it threw me. Maybe it was because I never saw a good static shot of it on her on TV.
Kate Beckinsale - in a pale Dior by John Galliano gown, some people thought it was too feathery and looked like Kleenex around her neckline. Others thought it was lovely. I'm leaning toward lovely because I love the way it fit her and the way it moved when she moved.
Teri Hatcher - in a sexy, bod-hugging bronzey/gold mermaid gown by Versace, only she should be called The Bony Mermaid. Seeing her onscreen, you just wanna force-feed her a cookie!
Mandy Moore - pretty but plain in a strapless black Ralph Lauren gown. She's young, she should've worn a more vibrant color.
Ziyi Zhang - lovely in a lime green strapless gown by Giorgio Armani with Chopard jewels. The color looked yellower on TV but I saw a still shot of it and it was really unique.
MaryLouise Parker - a little plain in her black Chaiken cocktail dress but pretty nonetheless
Natalie Portman - another split vote: she wore a black strapless Chanel Haute Couture dress and short short hair a la Peter Pan (or Audrey Hepburn). Some people thought she looked like a little boy in his mommy's dress-up clothes, I thought she pulled the short cropped 'do off nicely and though I didn't love the dress, I still thought she looked quite nice.
Hilary Swank - in a Jean Yu black dress with a very very lowcut back, still looking mannish even with her hair down. Must be that horsey smile. And she said she's trying to work her marriage out. Darn, I started that betting pool too soon!
Anne Hathaway - in a sparkly blue cocktail dress by Marc Jacobs with red red lipstick. The dress itself was very pretty but it made her look like she had weight around her middle which is an odd choice for an actress. I thought the red lips were classic Hollywood, the other people I was with thought it was too strong and overpowered the rest of her look. Discuss.
Mira Sorvino - pregnant with baby #2, in Armani Prive
Virginia Madsen - in an aqua gown by Kevan Hall, she looked like a mermaid on the half-shell in the dress - that's what it reminded me of!
Queen Latifah - livin' large in a blue Carmen Marc Valvo gown and elegant Chopard jewels. She's a big gal but she looked elegant and classy.
Cynthia Nixon gets a split vote: from the neck up, she looked like a Texas housewife, from the neck down, her burgundy gown was pretty.
We can only ask: what happened here?
Scarlett Johansson - Just call her Tits McGee with that 70s hairdo and the fire red Valentino dress with her tits leading the way; she looked totally bridge & tunnel. I thought the look was tacky and sexy in all the wrong ways.
Mariah Carey - busting out of her Chanel Haute Couture dress and causing glare with her fake tan and face glitter
Heidi Klum - in a very bad dress by Costume National. I never thought I'd say this but the dress did not flatter her one bit and made her look dumpy. And I didn't think it was even possible for Heidi Klum to LOOK dumpy!
Pamela Anderson - trying to be demure in a vintage Bill Blass dress that had a black top and a white bottom. I think the demure ship has sailed for Pammykins.
Ellen Pompeo - in a white Valentino gown that had a hippie-inspired top and wavy hair. I thought she was a disaster from head to toe; none of it worked.
Rosario Dawson - in vintage Versace, the pale coral color did nothing for her skin and the dress had no real shape so it didn't flatter her. Also, her shorter haircut is cute but it looked flat and lifeless.
Geena Davis - looked HUGE in her red satin Escada strapless gown with beaded top. She's a big and tall gal and can usually carry off a strong frock but this was way too much. She's also almost 50 now and maybe now's the time to adopt the "less is more" philosophy. The red looks great on her lips but the dress was much too much.
Gwyneth Paltrow - one of the worst-dressed women there with her Balenciaga Bo-Peep dress with bra straps showing. I know she's pregnant again and it's not that I want to be mean to pregnant gals but we all know there's plenty of great fashion out there for women who are with child. This dress was not one of them. Back to London with you Gwynnie!
Rachel Weisz - also pregnant, she wore a custom Donna Karan maternity gown in dark gold that looked like bad origami and Cartier jewelry, with badly overdone makeup. The combination of all these elements was not a winning combo.
Drew Barrymore - oh Drew, what was up with that kelly green dress with no bra and bad hair? We love you unconditionally Drew but we hate to see you ignore the fashion basics like a good foundation undergarment. Someone, anyone, please buy Drew a bra and don't let her out the door to the next award show without one! Thank you.
Camryn Manheim - looked like a Norseman or a Viking with her breastplate-front dress. I know she's a large woman but there's no call for a dress like this. One of the best things about fashion is that you can divert the eye to your good features and away from your bad features. I think Camryn missed that memo.
Emmy Rossum - in a dark beige strapless gown by Dior by John Galliano. The dress color was too close to her flesh tone and did nothing for her. She's a pretty girl and she's turned out nicely on the red carpet before but her stylist let her down this time.
Emma Thompson - in a white satiny Roberto Cavalli gown that was nice but her tits were just about on the floor. With all the wondrous mechanics of Hollywood handlers and stylists, is there NOTHING they could've done to hoist her chest up? If a woman has had a child, do her a favor and hoist the girls up, up, up! Gravity is not kind to women.
Vanessa Paradis - wore a funky silvery Chanel Cruise dress but the real shocker was when she opened her mouth to speak and showed the world her very yellow teeth with a huge gap in the middle of her two front teeth! Mon dieu! Quelle horreur!
And finally: Alanis Morrissette in the night's worst dress by some fabric butcher named Lisa Evans. The top was skintone beige and the bottom was black. But then there was her Farrah Fawcett blonde hair. The whole effect was shudderworthy. I had to look away."
She goes on to discuss the mens' fashions, but who cares about the men, really? Sorry, fellas. The tux-rut has no modern solution, as of yet.
Isn't Diane Brilliant, folks? I'm SO looking forward to her OSCARS report.
